In Holy Matrimony
by nrynmrth
Summary: Alex gets married under unusual circumstances. For Revival's June Prompt. Twoshot.
1. Dearly Beloved

A/N: This is my response for SpyFest Revival's June Prompt of 'marriage.' I thought of it immediately, but it took a few tries to actually get going and it's still not perfect, so bear with me. I'm really tired (my young cousins are visiting and my house is in chaos) and this was really rushed. On a completely unrelated note and in order to offer some random info about myself, I play violin and I'm currently reading a piece I love, called _Meditation from 'Thais.'_ Not too difficult, but it's beyond beautiful and so much fun to play :) so I'm now practicing for about two hours a day, contributing to my tiredness.

Disclaimer: Alex and Ben belong to Anthony Horowitz. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

* * *

"Oh come on, Alex, you'll be _gorgeous_." Ben's voice is teasing, choked with suppressed laughter.

"I don't want to be gorgeous," the spy wailed, placing his head in his hands. "Stop laughing at me!"

"Kind of difficult when you look like _that_ ," Ben retorted. "If you were me, you'd be laughing at me too." He blinked. "That didn't come out right."

" _Nothing_ about this situation is right, Benjamin. I wasn't planning on getting married for at _least_ another ten years."

The older spy shrugged. "Well, you look far better in it than I ever would," he told his partner, gesturing to the other spy's attire. " _Wedding_ just isn't a good look for me."

"Yeah, neither is gloating. Or _laughing_. Makes your face look all puffy and nasty…oh wait, that's just your face."

"…That's the best you could come up with?"

"…"

"…"

"…Ow! You punched me!"

"…You deserved it. Now stop laughing and help me with this. These shoes are so uncomfortable…"

Ben sniggered. "Not my fault you have big feet. How did you end up doing this again?" His tone was too innocent, and Alex glared at him.

"As I recall, it was supposed to be _you_ doing this, not me. I'm too young and too pretty to be tied down until my divorce!" he wheezed dramatically, standing from his seat at the vanity table in the small dressing room.

The other agent raised a single eyebrow. "You agreed to it, remember?"

"I did no such thing!" Alex's tone was the epitome of hurt. "When would I ever agree to marry our mark? You wound me, Benjamin!"

"It fell under the 'any means necessary to complete the mission' section of the contract."

"Ah." Alex blinked owlishly. "You _read_ the contract?"

"You didn't?"

"…Explains why I'm wearing this, doesn't it?"

"That it does, my friend. That it does…remind me to take a picture for the rest of the office."

"Do that, and you won't make it back to the office alive," Alex threatened.

"Only if you can chase me in those shoes," Ben returned, grinning. "You don't look like you could walk a kilometer in those."

Alex glanced down at his feet, then back up at his tormentor. "Yeah? Watch me."

Ben backed away, hands up. "Okay, I believe you…no need to get violent, young Alexander," he lectured in a mock-serious voice.

Alex growled in his face. "I'll give you violent!"

"Not necessary!" Ben squeaked back, scurrying around the dressing table that lay behind him.

Becoming serious, the man regarded his young partner. "Got your gun?"

Alex nodded, matching Ben's mood. "Bless Smithers for making it somehow fit into this thing. I swear, that man must be psychic…it's like he knew I would be wearing this!"

"Well…"

"Benjamin, if you want to live, you will not tell me what happened."  
The other spy gulped, then nodded. "Fair enough. Weapons?"

"Knives and exploding earring. You've got the rest, I presume?"

"I'll cover you. With luck, we'll both make it out alive…"

Alex snorted, derision evident in his tone as he replied, "With luck, we'll catch him before I have to say 'I do.' Jones is the head of MI6, but I don't think even she has the power to annul a marriage to the most powerful family in all of Europe."

"Well," Ben teased, "the Pope will annul it as long as you don't consummate it…Ouch! _Violence,_ remember?"

Alex sulked. "I didn't hit you _that_ hard. Your shoulder'll be fine in a day or so, but even hint at me sleeping with that horror again and I can't say the same for your ability to procreate…"

Ben cleared his throat decidedly. "Shutting up, then. Just one last thing…be careful, Alex. I know you 'always are,'" he said, holding up a hand to forestall Alex's protests, "but you can't protect yourself from everything."

"I know," Alex reassured Ben. "You'll protect me from the rest. But you know I'm careful. I can't afford not to be, not in this line of work. Don't—" He was cut off as the first strains of Wagner's 'Bridal Chorus' met his ears.

Ben grinned at him roguishly, eyes twinkling.

"I do believe that's your cue, lovely _Alexandra_. Time to walk down the aisle and meet your groom! I don't know if I'm ready to give you away," he sniffed melodramatically, wiping away a false tear. "Got your 'something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue?' You know you just _can't_ get married without it – as your _elder brother,_ I simple can't walk you down the aisle without them! Let's see, old is your earring, new is your _beautiful_ white dress – you do make a lovely girl, you know – kidding! Okay, no need to hit so hard, God." He rubbed his left arm sourly.

"Something borrowed – those deathtraps on your feet you call shoes, I suppose, although it depends on if my sister wants them back after you've stretched them out…And something blue? Oh no – you haven't got anything!" He mock-swooned. "The wedding is off! The bride isn't respectable! _She_ hasn't got anything blue—"

"My mood," Alex snarled at his partner, and yanked him through the door.

* * *

Tell me if you liked it!

Currently a oneshot, although I might consider continuing it if I'm requested.


	2. Until Death Do Us Part

A/N: Ohmygod I got so many reviews! I lovey you guys, really. And so, to all of you who asked for an extra addition to this story, I give you 'In Holy Matrimony' part the second, 'Until Death Do Us Part.' But seriously, no more after this. I'll post something else, but if I keep working on this I swear I'm going to die laughing while I write. And I'm tired because it's like midnight here and I've been doing science all day long. And now, dalekchung, this is for you -

SHAMELESS BIT OF ADVERTISING: SpyFest 2016 Week Four responses are in, so read them and vote for your favorite! May the best author win (I'm really excited because we have three responses for this week and that's actually kind of a lot). The authors are nrynmrth (meeeeee), wolfern, and Nienna3791. Read our stories and vote, please!

Disclaimer: Anthony Horowitz would never put Alex in a wedding dress (or would he? hmmmm...). I don't own Mission: Impossible either. Just FYI.

* * *

"Benjamin Daniels," Alex growled softly into his earwig, "when I find you, you'd better hope you're already dead."

"What was that?" The man standing opposite Alex whispered. "Are you all right, love?"

Alex's responding smile was more grimace than grin. "Fine…darling." He had to repress the shudder that threatened to shake his frame at the sickly-sweet tone of voice, pitching his voice higher to sound more feminine and ignoring Ben's uncontrollable laughter.

"I can't believe we're going to be married!" The man told his 'fiancée' giddily.

"Yeah, me either," Alex muttered softly, offering a weak smile from behind his veil.

"Oh, look, it's starting!" The groom took Alex's hands in his own, squeezing them gently. "Alexandra, your hands are so rough!"

"All the better to…hold your hand with, my dear," Alex covered swiftly, fighting the urge to pull out his gun and shoot his partner in the face. "Shut up," he hissed softly, hiding his words with a mock cough.

" _Oh, but this is so funny!"_ Ben's voice came to Alex through yet another fit of laughter. _"Look at Red Riding Alex, a wolf in bride's clothing!"_

Alex gritted his teeth, finding Ben's face in the crowd and glaring. "I swear to God, Daniels, I will tell Wolf about what you and your little girlfriend did on his kitchen counter…"

 _"No!"_ Ben's voice was panicked. " _Okay, I'll stop! And it was for a mission"_

The spy grinned ferociously at his partner. "Isn't it always?"

Ben was saved from Alex's wrath by the vicar, who clapped his hands and began the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of these two wonderful people in holy matrimony…"

Alex tuned him out, glancing distastefully at his 'groom' and turning his eyes to Ben. _I will hunt you down and make sure you never have children. Better yet, I'll tell Wolf and let him do it for me._

" _Why are you getting all upset, Alex? You agreed to this, you know."_ Ben laughed – _again_ – through the comms.

"Alexandra?" Alex was distracted from destroying Ben by the vicar, who was looking at him expectantly.

"Well—"

 _"Your vow."_ Ben said helpfully in his ear.

"Oh, right! Yes. Of course." He – she – he cleared his throat. "Well," he said, addressing the man standing opposite him, "we've known each other for a wonderful month, although it feels way longer—"

 _"Yeah, I bet,_ " Ben snorted, smirking. Alex glared, and continued.

"—it feels way longer. I can't _believe_ you asked me to marry you, and words can't express the way I feel about being here today." He paused, and Ben took his opportunity to interject.

" _Words can't express, huh? Well, I suppose you didn't lie…Ow! Okay, enough with the glaring already. I think I'll melt if you turn that laser on me again."_

"I don't think either of us is going to forget today any time soon. Thank you," Alex finished, somehow managing to grin at his fiancé and glare at his partner at the same time.

The vicar beamed, his smile nearly matching that of the groom. "Well, then. Shall we get on with it?"

The groom nodded vigorously, startling a laugh out of everyone in the room. Alex scowled beneath his veil.

"Ben, you'd better get on with it," he hissed out of the corner of his mouth before turning back to the vicar.

"Do you, Alexandra Martin, take this man to be your husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

"Hurry up!" Alex snapped at his partner, smiling charmingly at the vicar. "I…well, I….sorry, I'm just a bit nervous!" He gave a false laugh.

"That's all right, sweetheart, just say those words and it'll all be over." The groom murmured soothingly at her. "Just think of what a story this'll make for the grandchildren!"

Alex blanched at that. "Grand…children? Right, yes, of course, the grandchildren…"

"You can do it," the vicar encouraged, adding his voice to that of the groom's.

"Right, right. Can you ask me again?" Alex stalled, glancing desperately at Ben, who remained curiously silent in his ear.

"Of course, dear." The vicar appeared to be fighting laughter. "Do you, Alexandra Martin, take this man to be your husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

" _…I suppose now would be a good time to mention that we have enough evidence to blow this place up?"_

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Alex snarled, ripping his veil off and startling the vicar and groom. "Benjamin, I swear to God that I will not hesitate to use what Scorpia taught me on you."

The young spy reached to the front of his dress and tore it off, revealing a simple pair of black trousers and a linen shirt. He yanked his gun from the back of the dress and kicked off his shoes, glaring at everyone in the house.

"Alexandra—"

"I am _not_ Alexandra!" Alex barked sharply. Pointing his gun at the groom, Alex reached up to his face and pulled at the skin of his jaw. Alexandra's face and wig came away in his hands, revealing one very pissed off British spy. "And you, John Green, I will see you rot in prison for all that you've done."

"Me?" The groom looked frightened, confused, and heartbroken all at once.  
"No, not you, you complete moron, your father. Mafia boss? Ex-Scorpia board member? Contemporary of one _Julius Grief_?" At the last two words, Alex's lips twisted to the side in a violent sneer, thinking of his clone.

"Who – who are you?" John Green Jr.'s voice was shaky.

"Oh, your father knows who I am. Where is the bastard, by the way?"

"I've got him, Alex." The voice came from none other than Ben Daniels, who had gotten the spy's attention and was now experiencing the full force of the Rider death glare (known to make even the fearsome sergeant at Brecon Beacons, Wales, wet himself).

"You are in some serious shit, Benjamin Daniels." Alex's voice was a low growl, and Ben quailed under his gaze.

"Is – is that really necessary? Maybe—"

"Alex Rider, we meet at last." John Green Sr. interrupted. "Pleasure, I'm sure."

"Not for you, it ain't," Alex told him, mouth curved in a feline grin. "This man," he said, turning to the congregation, "is a wanted British criminal. I work for the British law enforcement, therefore John Green will be coming with me. Oh, excuse me," he said, looking at his captives. " _Both_ John Greens will be coming with me. Now, I suggest you get out."

No one hesitated to do as he asked.

"Where are _we_ going, then?" Senior asked as the two agents prodded their prisoners in the opposite direction. "And why are you taking off your earring?"

Alex merely grinned, deftly separating the two pieces of the jewelry. "Duck," he said, smirking, and threw the pieces backward into the house from which they had just emerged.

Ben, expecting the explosion, did as Alex said and ducked, covering his ears. The other two were not so fortunate, and turned just in time to see their house become a massive fireball. The ringing in their ears was so loud that they did not hear the short conversation between the two spies, or the whispered words from the senior agent to his junior:

"Next time, you're seducing the rich guy."

* * *

Last line shamelessly stolen from Mission: Impossible, Ghost Protocol (a great movie and an even better line. Gotta love Jeremy Renner).

REVIEW! and vote, but review first!


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